I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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