dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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