Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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