Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
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Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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