My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
