Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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