White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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