i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
