I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
