another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
