There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
