If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
