The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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