Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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