Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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