I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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