Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
