I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Life is so much better after having sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
