TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
