I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
