I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
