hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
