you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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