Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
