I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
