dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
