I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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