I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
