I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
