I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
