I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
bring money and cleavage
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
