That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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