On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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