OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
