Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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