Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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