he wants to bone in the snuggie
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
organizing the empties. That sober.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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