How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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