Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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