i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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