you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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