I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
