I need help removing her.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
