Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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