Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
