I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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