yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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