Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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