Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
