That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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