He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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