best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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